Raw and Real

It is perhaps liberating for parents of children with ADHD to know that they are not alone in their experiences. Whilst not every person’s journey reflects in any study, it is sobering to read in the literature that married couples with an ADHD child under the age of eight have a 23% chance of getting divorced as opposed to 12% who did not have a child with this condition (Wymbs & Pelham, 2009). Further, to learn from a 2023 study by Allan & Cohen, these parents have fewer positive interactions with their child’s school and are three times as likely to receive phone calls from the school, twice as likely to receive a note and three times more likely to meet the guidance teacher than other parents. 

While the 2023 study showed that parents of children with ADHD are 77% more likely to attend parent feedbacks and have a high level of engagement and commitment, they also seem to avoid events that are social and ‘fun’. 

It is telling that they rather stay away than face the realistic chance of behaviour that may be hard to manage making their parenting subject to judgement by others. Many of these parents struggle with their own mental health and experience impaired function at work. Generalised stress, isolation, as well as family conflict and criticism are common themes in their lives. Less spoken about are the negative relationships with their child and guilt that brings. 

If we are raw and real about the lived experience of raising a child with ADHD, and for that matter other challenges, we should perhaps consider the reality of a teacher in a classroom who has five or many more. 

School leaders and parents should care for and appreciate those who dedicate their lives to walking the journey with the parents of their young charges. If we don’t, the future is not looking bright at all. 

The education sector in South Africa faces numerous, overwhelming challenges. The crisis few parents are watching is that in ten years time, 50% of the teaching force in the country will have retired, taking their experience, stamina and deep understanding of how children learn with them. Add to the problem that this cohort mentors, guides and supports new and developing teachers, the threat to education has a double edge. Extend the impact of the retirement eventuality to the slither of educators who pursue remedial education with purpose and commitment, and a crisis looms for children who need specialised skills. In schools working with children that others find hard to teach, the loss of these professionals may be the bigger tragedy. The trend not accounted for in the retirement statistics is that young teachers are leaving too. Further, while not yet emerging in a liturgy of studies, but gnawing at school leaders and governors, dominating their conversations, is that educators are quitting the profession, disheartened, worn out and beaten up. The crisis of teacher wellbeing is a threat in any school’s typical SWOT analysis.

Frighteningly, it is not load, hours or lower than corporate pay that drive these educators away. Bellavista ran a study in 2020, in the heat of the pandemic, that showed teachers in independent schools through the Covid experience were tired and overwhelmed but ultimately very resilient. Teachers show up when things are hard. They are accomplished crisis managers, expert problem solvers, wise counsellors, natural team players and purpose driven professionals. 

When reasons to explain the ‘great exit’ are explored, the primary driver to quit the profession is parents. You may not be able to access HR records, but pick a social media feed where teachers express their experiences with others and try to support one another, and the theme is quickly apparent. Parental demands for perfection, superhuman patience and flawlessness are unattainable. Increasingly abusive, disrespectful and entitled parent behaviour reaches teachers in routine meetings, on unexpected calls alongside sports fields, over instant messaging and via emails at all hours, over weekends and holy days regardless. Worse, is when the sentiments are delivered by the children, who feel very empowered by their parents. The bottom line is that teachers can never reach the bizarre expectations held and neither should they try – the harm to their mental health, physical wellbeing and family lives is no fair trade.

That is the macro picture.

Taking it closer to our school. We are overtly committed to parent-school partnership at Bellavista. It is fundamental to our workings and expressed in our values. Our work is not as effective in the absence of that relationship. We staff at 4:1 to ensure close, skilled professional attention to each child’s developmental needs. The children’s wellbeing, emotionally, physically and educationally is pursued at every turn and dominates our conversations in the staffroom and in progress meetings. Our classes are between ten and fourteen in size, every child needing high levels of attention. In that count, there are definitely a number of ‘Fidgety Phillps’. His family’s experience at the dinner table once a day is met and exceeded in our quest to keep each child on task and ‘at the desk’ in preparation for their return to mainstream education if possible. All the stressors that apply to parents likely apply to teachers too.

Despite every good intention, teachers are human too. 

They are not perfect. They can be occasionally forgetful of small details, in the pursuit of the bigger call on their day, perhaps failing to ensure a child drank their juice or not ensuring every child had packed their books for homework in their bags before they left for home. Maybe she didn’t search lost property even though she was messaged early that morning. Perhaps he was irritable after break when the children came back boisterous or clipped when giving an instruction. Possibly, her unique style and personality is not the same as the teacher next door and she prefers some formality in her dealings with parents and colleagues. He might have single parent responsibilities and can’t take calls at night. Maybe she has a sick child at home, a headache, bad news in her family or economic stresses like anybody else and these distracted her today. It is possible that the teacher chooses not to be on her phone in class, prioritising her availability to the children and their learning over sending pictures home. It is also possible that wifi with unlimited data is not a given in her home, it’s the privilege of few to enjoy this facility. Beyond these perfectly human imperfections, maybe the teacher has conviction and experience, methods and skills that are exactly what a child needs, if parents would trust it and not control or direct it.

Teachers know that every parent is human too. 

To be clear, teachers at Bellavista differ in many aspects to colleagues in the mainstream. Certainly, they acknowledge that raising a child with barriers to learning can be hard and lonely for parents and hold extraordinary empathy for parents. They know that the needs and management of a child can be relentlessly demanding, requiring new strategies at every turn and drawing on resources, especially finances. They respect that this is the raw and real reality for our parent body, in addition to other shared stressors. The economic, social and political landscape is pressured and frighteningly uncertain. Time is racing, the demands of daily life never diminish and opportunities to connect with friends are few. The general public can be aggressive, crime is threatening and loadshedding shatters all optimism on some days. The city’s decay is discouraging and the lack of SARS deductions erodes efforts to get ‘ahead’. Feelings of loss and pain are real and relationships are strained. Regardless of the balance of optimism, camaraderie and good humour that characterise die-hard Jozi residents, it is ‘a lot’ even for resilient individuals.

Parents can explode at the wrong person, often the teachers who are on their team and understand their journey more than most. Teachers in remedial schools get that more than most, and make allowance for it all, understanding that it is usually not about them but about acceptance, stress and anxiety. Certainly, they are not profiting from school fees and cannot consider that this commitment from parents is greater than what they commit in their role and function. Charged emotion aside, what teachers and therapists cannot endure, nor be expected to tolerate, is verbal abuse and aggression in writing or in person. Neither must they accept destructive and divisive gossip that undermines them personally and professionally, casting aspersions in the community. Whilst surveying ‘the parents’ and gathering opinions on the ‘informal whatsapp group’ (previously known as the carpark) could be generally signs of trouble and poses a threat to staffing the school with professionals of calibre. Honest, tempered engagement and healthy conflict that ensures that a child is considered from all perspectives is welcomed. Tough conversations can be held both ways. Remedial schooling is a ‘touch-pause-engage’ experience with high stakes at play. We must solve problems together in the interest of every child’s future. As a community, constructive criticism is exceptionally useful from a parent who wants the best for all, especially when it comes with solutions and a will to support the remedy.

What we must respect with all our might is our shared humanity. The majority of our community connects with teachers in healthy, collaborative relationships, securing shared strategies for their child’s progress. The relationship is honoured as teachers and the privilege of walking the journey with families carries gravitas for them. In truth, to survive parenting at home and loco parentis at school, we need to support each other and offer each child the very best of partnerships; teachers, therapists and parents united in their commitment to raise Fidgety Philips – with a view to a brighter future for every one of them.